Genshin impact is a "game" which has sucked away my soul and killed my dog. I first began playing Genshin Impact because of all the cute women, that experienced apotheosis, and a philosophical enlightenment through the death of my own ego. I love Genshin Impact, but this game will have an impact on your social life, and even after you stop playing, you will not recover. To this day, it has left me in a perpetual state of sophisticated malding and I recommend it for all the wrong reasons. In this game, you play as John Impact, an extradimensional being whose brother was eaten by mega blocks and is forced to navigate Avatar: The Last Airbender for weaboos. Powered by its simple chemistry system in which characters electrocute, burn, and throw rocks at each other. One of those if must less cruel. But it, like Australopithecus, was my primary source of damage. Now trapped in the land of gacha hell, our protagonist must find a way to save our siblings by fighting geometry, the indigenous inhabitants of twitter, space midgets, and the ice KGB. As well, we are here to explore, solve puzzles, play prop hunt, cook, get arrested for looking at Xiangling too much, get sentenced to ten years, and emerge from prison a devout Buddhist. This video is going to be about my experience playing this interesting game and how to objectively have the most fun with it. It's a very bad sign when most people who play the game don't recommend it but I do. Although, I am slightly a dingus, so I don't recommend you take my opinion as fact, but as entertainment. So, whether you're new to this strange otherworldly Chinese software or a Genshin Pro. Please allow me to tell you the tale of how this left a Genshin Impact into my frontal lobe.

Here's a fun tip that most Genshin players don't know: the age of consent is 18 years old. Let's begin with what's maximally important. Not the gameplay, not the story, nor anything you would typically associate with a video game. The single most important thing in this game is rolling dice to gain attracting people and then parading them around like a child on TLC. I do not exaggerate when I say this is probably what attracted most people to this game. If you want an example, Lisa is a character who continually refers to herself as onee-sama, and sounds like she is at all times, on the verge of sex. I received her after completing a quest and then decided that I would use Lisa exclusively to do rock climbing. That way, I could repeatedly hear her oddly enthusiastic moaning for the next 10 hours of gameplay. I literally installed this game after downloading 60 images of Ganyu. Since the official lore of this game specifies that she killed a monster after being eaten by it because her ass was so big it blocked his trachea and suffocated him to death. However, there is a catch, I don't have Ganyu, and I never will. You have a random chance to get characters, and that chance isn't high, 5.1% to be exact. And that's getting anyone, so if you want a particular character, get fucked. You could have your very first roll be a high level DPS character that carries you through the game with chimpanzee martial arts. Or you could roll three useless small boys in a row and then desire death. [Clip of Bennett being summoned.] "It's a fucking guy God damnit fuck…" [sound of controller or mouse being thrown.] And while writing about bad things that could be dealbreakers, the anti-cheat for this game is "VERY STRONG," and has ring zero permissions on your kernel. This means that it can read and write memory at any location in your computer without segfaulting. I, however, am not afraid, since if Xi Jinping does harvest my computers data, all he will find is 50 pages of Waluigi hentai. It's your loss, (and yes, it does turn off when the game isn't running). So, this review is going to include a guide on how to have fun, because, like real life, lusting after women causes suicidal depression. Step 1, play as optimally as you want. Do not try to min-max shit because RNGesus will snap your fucking neck. Do whatever is fun with whatever you have. In my case, I decided that I would roleplay as a violent misandrist and only play as women out of principal. Any men that I rolled would be locked at level 1 and made useful in the coal mines. It is simply not worth it for me to engage in combat if I cannot also yank it. The central point of the characters is that they are potential wives, and I am absolutely, definitely, ONE THOUSAND PERCENT SECURE in my masculinity. Playing the game optimally in this case would mean making the game boring and staring at man ass, so, fuck it. If for instance, I had wanted a particular, legally questionable female to be my digital puppet, the change of me receiving that would be 0.3 percent, which is where this image comes from. Take what you can get with the rolls, don't be mad, exercise patience and control, and you will have a lot more fun. I definitely have not sold my house to get big tiddy pirate mommy. "But Max0r," I hear your thoughts, "Why are you displaying a single image of a regular crab on my screen, and also what is the world of Genshin Impact and why are we here?" That is a great question James, because before we get into the exploration and the combat, we must first understand the context with which I run my beauty pageant and like any game made by Asian people on my channel, the lore is some hyperborean bullshit. So, let's say rule number two of enjoying the game is not caring about this just like ninety percent of the player base.

The world of Teyvat is ruled collectively by seven gods who govern the seven elements, except the nature god, he is special? This came about because 2,800 years ago, there were like 80 gods or something. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation atta- No, but actually, seven seals opened up in heaven, so, literally every god fought over their power to the death. The result was the seven gods of each element we see today, each ruling over their own nation in their own fucked up ways. Every once in a while, these delusional bastards will just give random people superpowers. Like how the electricity god just gave a girl with a mental disorder a talking bird. This also includes small children, who could very possibly kill themselves for some reason. Now, the world you see in game takes place in two nations or three if you're from the future. The first is Mondstadt, a lawless, anarchial capitalist commune in New Hampshire, which has no formal governments of any kind. They instead, rely institutionally on vigilante justice, including hot Batman. As a result, an entire territory of their nation is completely overrun with wolves. No one has the systemic authority to stop people from exercising their rights and liberties to feed the wolves babies. Oh, also, there's the fucking dragon problem. Did I not mention the murderous dragon? Next, we have the nation of Liyue, an extremely rich and powerful country to the east. They have recently come into conflict with Mondstadt due to the Luhua Pool Massacre of 69… As well as an aggressive foreign policy involving a nine dashed line in the Sea of Clouds. Headed by the Tianquan Ningguang of the Liyue Qixing - those are all real names - Liyue exhibits an unprecedented level of prosperity and control. Living happily under the watchful eye of the rock god, who periodically disguises himself to ensure that the populace is behaving while and upholding their state contracts, just in case. Now China, I know you're new to making "video games," yet in my country, we have a long history of shooting people. But who lives in Liyue and who lives in where is in? The answer is unfortunate. Populating this extensive world will be several factions of enemies with subgroups, elemental specialization, and fucking bullshit. The enemy variety of this game paints a picture of a post-apocalyptic nightmare world, where raving bands of savages constantly destroy everything, locking humanity in a perpetual state of warfare with armies of bandits and the midget people. One of these groups is the Hilichurls, an intelligent race capable of empathy and complex thoughts, which is why they must be destroyed. These guys make the Gombe chimpanzee War look like a fucking joke. And at no point, does anyone in the entire game even give a shred of sympathy for the Hilichurls except for Elon Musk. They can be big gorilla, small monkey, operate complex machinery, an have their own language. This makes it more fun to slaughter entire villages of them and steal their possessions with no consequences. In fact, you're encouraged to do it. Overall, I would rate them a genocide/10. Next are the country sized hoards of organized bandits called the treasure hoarders, who are just regular guys forced to fight you with shovels and Molotov cocktails. Are you sure we're the good guys? It's fortunate that because they committed a crime, the lives are now forfeit. Abyss mages are very simple because they are one enemy with two reskins, who are also inhuman beings of the dark void who have sworn vengeance against humanity itself. They also dwell almost entirely in fucking space. The (checking notes) Fatui of Snezhnaya (?) are heavily armed "diplomats" diplomats seeking to dominate the world of Teyvat through subterfuge and employing 9-foot-tall people with hammers is absolutely conducive to this goal I promise. They are unique among Teyvat because they serve the interest of the Tsaritsa of Snezhnaya, also known as the god of ice. That's important because it's very weird that they primarily use electricity and fire. I guess the ice god is just fucking lazy? That Fatui are always up to no good, like stealing the wind god's power or like, a bank heist. They're also really hot so I'm not stopping them. Finally, we have the local wildlife of Teyvat which is 90 percent slimes and 10 percent these fuckers. I spent most of the fight waiting to do something. That's really what the combat is all about. Sometimes it's like: "Holy fuck that is a whale." And other times, it's like: "I think that bush just fucking moved." Really, no matter what happens, you're in for an experience, lets find out if that's bad or worse.

Shin getting intact is a game about flow where to maximize their power, the player dynamically switches between their DPS character and everyone else. Rule number 3 of Genshin Impact: Pick one. Your typical team of comprised of your DPS baby, your heal support, your burst support, and moral support. Think of it like a train. You only need one engine and enough weight to kill Terry Davis. Now, like everything, characters have elemental alignments, which depending on the enemy, can ruin the game. My wife Barbara could heal me, but in the process, must make everyone wet, which makes us a proverbial bathtub which enemies will then catapult toasters into for massive damage. It's a fucking blast. You feel like a chemistry professor gone rouge. Using the elements to his advantage and then blowing himself up in the process. Unless your DPS uses rocks, in which case you know uh… jus- just watch, I guess. Everything is elements, and everyone has an elemental skill and alignment. Unless you're the nature god, who has no characters. Some are bad, and others are VERY bad, but many are completely game changing, like how Beidou's elemental skill adds a parry mechanic to the game. Or how Ningguang invalidates all ranged enemies. The combat is definitely its strength and is an experiment in how bad you can craft your psychotic dog water alchemy and hopefully create a moving ball of destruction strong enough to kill God. To extend this concept every character uses one of five unique weapon classes such as Mongolian, controller erosion, the waiting game, egg catapults, and the speed demon. So be careful with who you choose and what weapons that oh wait no it's random get fucked. Now, this would all be excellent game if it didn't sometimes amount to throwing two sponges at each other. Enemies scale to your level and generally, health is not hard to come by. So, depending on your investment, some enemies could take… minutes to kill. This all amounts to making a classic video game build, "The tank," entirely useless. You don't need a tank because you will be switching to your DPS anyways who is a tank against your will. Health is literally always a shackle and a curse, that is of course, unless you're playing Barbara, whose healing scales only off of health, making her tankier than Tianan- Let's go over an example party to give you some idea of the insanity that we're working with. It is optimal in most of my combat scenarios to cause forest fires by throwing a spicy bear. Why? Well, it's obvious, my DPS Beidou can parry anything, which includes the heat of fire. Or how about Ningguang, who spawns a wall inside of enemies like it's Garry's Mod. We just do it to piss them off. Did I also mention you can invite your insane discord stalker to play co-op with you? The combat is fully functional. ["Hello Max."] I made a mistake. And this isn't even going into the complicated system by which you customize artifacts upgrade your weapon, and level your character's talents because that's boring. It can be made especially boring when you have to pick 30 mushrooms to do it. But you know, here we are. That leads me to my next point. You're gonna have to explore for those mushrooms and that sounds bad, but it's actually the best part. Get ready for some cross0country gaming because we literally have a lot of ground to cover. So rule number 4 of Genshin Impact is that if you see something, just go.

You've probably noticed at some point that this game looks identical to Breath of the Wild, right down to the UI. This is an objectively correct assessment, it's just that the game doesn't give a shit, and neither should be. Breath of the Wild was so good that I wanted Breath of the Wild with more anime pussy. Because God damnit, why did Nintendo make Zelda look like that. The number of bandits and foreign soldiers in this game suddenly makes sense when you realize it has the geography of fucking Afghanistan. It's quite the vertical place but you're given the tools to navigate it, like your feet or your sweat. And there is quite a bit to see, so for an example, when I first installed the game, I didn't know that Liyue was in it. That's over half of the map. I was doing a quest that required a wild radish, so I naturally went hiking to find it, and accidentally discovered the entirety of Ming Dynasty China. At which point I was wrongfully assaulted after being mistaken for opium. This is one of those games where you start finding chests in the wild and within thirty minutes, are flying to strange island with a man named Jeffrey. It's actually not that different to Skyrim, but this game makes Skyrim look like it's in Kansas. There is always something to do and always something to find. You would think that it would get stale, but they just keep finding ways to turn on my neurons. There is a puzzle - I JUST WANTED THE CHEST - which spans an entire region of the game where you have to climb three mountains. You can spend an afternoon doing that and it's viable. There is no direction that you can go that will not help you in some tangible way, and that's what's important about exploration. It's not just pretty, it's optimal. You see this shit right here; this activates my fucking almonds. Exploring this game trains your neurons to fire at the most basic of incentives like a lab chimp. But seriously, if you aren't yet considering the game, just have fun exploring it. Stop and smell the flowers and accidentally find China over a vegetable. I found it eventually. It-it took three hours. Now if the review had ended here, this would be a definite recommend because the game is free. It costs zero dollars. It cannot yank your bank. NoT tHaT I wOuLd KnOw. But I must warn you that there are some serious drawbacks besides the fucking Chinese surveillance state that you have to install. So, it's time to give you the final tools and rules that you need to enjoy this game.

Regula numerus quinque of Genshin Impact is just, PLEASE GOD USE YOUR RESIN EVERY DAY… [clears throat] So to explain that, you have to understand that this game works by mostly giving what you want when you seek it out, unless it's CRIT DAMAGE. So, you don't end up mindlessly slogging for ten hours a day for a single goddamn warframe chassis, but there is a catch. When it comes to grinding, there is a clever way to make sure that you can't trivialize the entire game, which is that the game just stops you. You expend resin when you kill a boss, want money, want xp, want artifacts, want to live, want to see my daughter again. Pretty much anything, and if you have no resin, well, Hehe, better wait. God will collect his existence tax and you will fucking pay. Even if you live in Mondstadt, the IRS is the eternal fixture of the universe, and although it's nice to have fair guarantees for artifacts, it has the unique side effect of stopping the game from being playing. You get 160 a day, and for reference, you spend 40 for boss loot, so, good luck. And if you thought that was bad, get ready for rule 6: which is yeah, you- you gotta do the daily quests. We Genshin Players are always hard at work on the daily dopamine farms putting in that grind so that we can have a four-star object every 20 days. It really makes a man wonder why we bothered with maker murder illegal in the first place. Thank you, Cain. This game can give you a lot if you decide to commit yourself to it, but if you don't, you will be scraping for crack crystals in a back alley, maybe make a YouTube video. That alone is probably enough to discourage most people. I thought I was going to be one of those people until I realized that I like the game. Stockholm syndrome is actually cool. And for our final rule, you don't want to play with English voices. Set it to literally any other language except English. Now the voice work isn't horrendous, but uh, it doesn't sound like the dialogue was actually written for English and the translation is fucking hilarious. So do what I do and play in Japanese, then switch the game to Chinese whenever you're in Liyue for maximum immersion. Dear Mr. Xi please send missiles to liberate my country from the yoke of capitalism. Now that you're armed with what you need, should you play the game? Only if you have self-control. It's not worth it to spend money on the game, I'm serious and that's why you should give me your money so I can spend it responsibly. Remember, the game is free and so is the porn. I would like to thank the kind Chinese billionaires and international arms dealers of the Max0r Patreon for funding my hopeless and deadly addictions. If you would like to help fund the videos corruption America's youth in the name of Max like Maoism, you can head to the description to learn more. Thank you all for watching and waiting, and of course, your ip address has already been traced. [ending music]